Small town guy

I will always be be the guy from small town, breathing at the foothills. I may visit countries and metropolitan cities, but the narrow alleys, the breeze and the warm sunshine of hills- will always charm me. This small town upbringing will always stay a part of me and reflect in my character. No matter, the number of people I know and interact, keeps on multiplying every year I see on this planet, like a thin busy street in the century old market of town, my heart will accomodate everyone.

I have the ability to get what I want. Yet, I will stick to the so called ‘normal’ or ‘good’. Yes, I will time and again ignore the better, kick the change to make sure some things, elements, people close to my heart- stay the same forming my small world , my small town. I will always be a keeper when it comes to them. Total blindness to profit and loss calculations. For them, I will defy my every logic and reason. They are the chosen ones and heart knows no logic. Perhaps, attachment/love is the only wired circuit that works without logic.

#1 Excerpts from LIEf to LIfE

Stats tell me that some friends of mine visit my blog daily. I have not been sharing blog posts regularly in order to focus on a novel – LIEf to LIfE, that I am trying to write. So, I am sharing some bits from the manuscript. A word of thanks for love and support. I know like minded people connect and understand what I write. This gives me joy and motivation to continue.

She just smiled at me, as she kicked the bike. She kicked me out as well, atleast, for the evening.

“Remember, never get attached to people because we are HIS puppets.“ She pressed the throttle.

As a custom, I was listening to songs on my walkman before dozing off to sleep. I was thinking about the past day that had left me smiling inside. I had experienced it before but this time, it felt as if the things were in my control. The thoughts of her were the backdrop of this feeling. I grabbed that piece of paper from my jeans. It read, “We are puppets in HIS hands. Whom we see; whom we meet; why we meet; why we no longer see each other; everything is to favour HIS story. So, as a puppet, all we can do is to welcome everything and everyone as GOD sent. Greet them with a smile. Let them know you and know them as well. Tell them, what is good about them but not to gain something. Everyone out there is fighting their own personalized battle. Look into your battles and the pain you go through. They may be in a worse situation. Encouraging others will lessen their pain and help them face the dangers with more confidence and grit. This is the same what you want for yourself to win your battle. Not to forget, the beauty of smile that you’ll witness.”

खुदा होगा तू
पर इक शर्त है
जो मैं हार नहीं सकता
उस यार बेपरवाह को
तू मेरा बना नहीं सकता

ये वक़्त और मौका , दोनों जिगरी यार हैं

ये वक़्त और मौका
दोनों जिगरी यार हैं
कभी वक़्त बदलता है
तो मौका आता है
कभी मौका आता है
तो वक़्त बदलता है
फिर
तुम आती हो
दिल धड़काती हो
मैं ज़िंदा हो जाता हूँ
जीना चाहता हूँ
जी जाता हूँ

ये वक़्त और मौका
दोनों जिगरी यार हैं
कभी वक़्त बदलता है
तो मौका आता है
कभी मौका आता है
तो वक़्त बदलता है
फिर
तुम चली जाती हो
दिल नही धड़कता
सांस थम जाती है
मैं जीना चाहता हूँ
जी नही पाता
ख़तम हो जाता हूँ

ये वक़्त और मौका
दोनों जिगरी यार हैं
कभी वक़्त बदलता है
तो मौका आता है
कभी मौका आता है
तो वक़्त बदलता है
फिर
तुम ख्वाब में आती हो
मुझे मिलते ही
मुस्का देती हो
दिल धड़क उठता है
सांस आती है
जीने की
वजह दिख जाती है

ये वक़्त और मौका
दोनों जिगरी यार हैं
कभी वक़्त बदलता है
तो मौका आता है
कभी मौका आता है
तो वक़्त बदलता है
फिर
तुम ओझल हो जाती हो
धड़कन रूकती
सांस थम जाती है
मैं जीना चाहता हूँ
जी नही पाता
मैं ख़तम होता
सो जाता हूँ

ये वक़्त और मौका
दोनों जिगरी यार हैं
कभी वक़्त बदलता है
तो मौका आता है
कभी मौका आता है
तो वक़्त बदलता है
फिर
मैं चला जाता हूँ
वक़्त और मौका
इनका यार बन जाता हूँ
जीना चाहता हूँ
मालूम है
जी नही पाउँगा
ये नींद ही सही है
नींद में चलता जा रहा
नींद में ख़तम हो जाऊंगा

ये वक़्त और मौका
दोनों जिगरी यार हैं
कभी वक़्त बदलता है
तो मौका आता है
कभी मौका आता है
तो वक़्त बदलता है
फिर
तुम फिर आती हो
मुस्का जाती हो
दिल धड़क जाता है
सांस आती है
ऐसा जीना नही चाहता
ये नींद ही सही है
नींद में चलता
नींद में जीता
नींद में मरता

ये वक़्त और मौका
दोनों जिगरी यार हैं
कभी वक़्त बदलता है
तो मौका आता है
कभी मौका आता है
तो वक़्त बदलता है
फिर
मैं फिर चल देता हूँ
वक़्त और मौके
का यार बनकर
तुम भी बन जाओ
तुम भी बदल जाओ
तुम भी चली जाओ
मेरी मानो तो
कभी मत आओ
दिल मत धड़काओ
नींद से जगाकर
जीना मत सिखाओ
बस चलता चले जा रहा हूँ
तुम भी चलती चली जाओ
खोता खोये जा रहा हूँ
तुम पाकर पाए जाओ

ये वक़्त और मौका
दोनों जिगरी यार हैं
कभी वक़्त बदलता है
तो मौका आता है
कभी मौका आता है
तो वक़्त बदलता है
फिर
मैं भी चला जाता हूँ
तुम भी चले जाती हो
ना दिल धड़कता है
ना सांस आती है
जीना अब भी चाहता हूँ
जी नही पाउँगा
ये नींद ही सही है
नींद में चलता चले जा रहा हूँ
नींद में ख़तम हो जाऊंगा

 

 

Temper Control

To control my own temper, first I tell myself that I deserve the punishment.Once I convince myself, I start punishing. Since, I am an  ambivert, I have traits of both extroverts and introverts.So, the punishment is to keep yourself away from people. But, no matter what, we all love ourselves atleast to an extent. So, gradually with time, I punish myself less harshly.

Now, back to the world. I don’t punish others all the time as I turn away and seek solitude. But, since I love myself and I don’t punish myself harshly for small mistakes, I again return back to the world. But, bigger mistakes deserve more punishment. At times, they are unforgivable. So, I do shout at others for their follies and at myself, when I am the culprit. But, this will happen only when I am pushed beyond the threshold, and in life, this isn’t that often.

And I felt, as if I knew you

You wore the fabric
not the fabric wore you
You were not colored
you were the color
No patterns
no floral prints
Just you
yet
not enough of you
And I felt
as if I knew you

Uneasiness
Restlessness
just changing places
but questions still the same
Burst of anger
victim literally slain
No forgiveness
but forgetfulness
No heart just plain
normal talks again
Lost in the world
when
the world is lost in you
And I felt
as if I knew you

Messed up hair
no layer to hide
A glimpse of happiness
only to subside
Same face to face
same heart to mouth
no middlemen
Same you to me
same me to you
And I felt
as if I knew you

Perhaps, I hate the problems to the extent that whenever they avoid me, I uncover and embrace them; making them my routine; to backstab them. May be, safeguarding my brotherhood by finding and embracing what was actually destined for them. And, guess what? Messing with the destiny is accompanied by punishment : the price I pay for enmity -sometimes my people; once in a while, places and always, my ME.

I fell in love with my imagination.
There you came throwing away the reel.
I got to know your dreams.
They became mine.
We lived them together.
You fell in love with my love for your dreams.
You fell in love with our journey.
We had fallen.

When I used to be around you, I had to keep my hands in pockets. I feared cheek pinching  you as if you were a cute kid. That used to be really unnerving for me. All I could do was to maintain a distance.

A tale from the alley

We met in the park. Both of us were mischievous and playful. We would spend lots of time together running from one corner to the other; Chests puffing out trying to draw in more air and those rare laughs with tongues out.  People used to watch us with delight and our friendship brought a smile on their faces. Life was beautiful and new to us.

Perhaps, our hearts shrink and minds grow bigger with time. And, the bigger minds learn the judgemental criteria, the world teaches us. Some of us ignore it at the first place, trying to keep our mind clear and lives easy. Some discard it but only after they are judged by someone. And, some live with it till their last breath.

Well, friendships thrive with heart. And, when mind comes into play, they just stay as an association or relationship. The magic is gone. We were no exception.

The minds grew and she had her choices and criteria. Still, she was honest and blunt to share with me. She had her love for color,race and status. I was fond of her since day one. There was a connection that made it special. Yes, I was in love. I had no answer to the question why. But, I thought of her in everything I did.

Finally, the day came. In the corner of the park, I saw her getting cozy with that German Shepherd. He met her criteria. Good breed, looks and unlike me, was a pet. A matter of days and knowing their fondness for each other, the owner of that mansion let her in along with his pet. She was a pet now.

Heartbroken, I did the same as she did. Grabbed anyone I found in the street to inject the love dose. This went on for a while. Mind tried to convince the heart that it should feel at peace now. But, they have that age old enmity. They don’t listen to each other. Finally, I gave up the dog life.

I took to my own ways of doing good to the society. I would guard random homes; smile at small children wagging my tail and occasionally, played with them; stopped barking at birds, rag pickers and others. I felt good about myself. Finally, I found a home as well. These were college friends and  great people. They shouted at me, threw things yet loved and cared for me. They would make sure that before leaving home, I had everything I may need plus the instructions. I made sure I never crossed the limits. Even if I did, they would playfully scold, tease and pamper me.I had a family to value my loyalty.

One day, they hosted a house party. They had drinks and delicious chicken. Being a family member, I was served as well. The spirits hit me hard and I ran out to look for her. My friends followed me to the gate of the mansion where she lived.

She came to the gate. Her gesture warmed my heart. Perhaps,she could still sense me from miles. May be, a little bit of that magic existed. Though, we were close enough to read eyes, those iron bars in the gate spoke something else. I was unforgiving and full of rage. The moist eyes and the heartburn were enough to speak volumes. And, suddenly my friends broke the silence. They spoke this language known as english and called her a bitch. They picked me up and took back home.

Yes, I died a dog. But, not before being hailed as man’s best and faithful friend. I feel that since centuries, each one of us has been through the same. I was’nt the first one but my life taught me about our evolution and the loyalty ; where it comes from.

Sometimes, stop trying because HE is up to something. But, when u can’t hold your nerves, can’t trust HIM; just give it your all. May be, seasonal seed of mistrust was again sowed by HIM to make you work for a while. Once the season is over, at the time of harvest, you will reap the rewards.

As I end today

Watching the sun set
On the street corner
eyes I kept
Perhaps on his way
May be with a toy
could be a sweet
hope with time to play
yes his mood was clay
Goodbye to the evening
the kid used to say
The wait’s still not over
as I end today

Day awaited
year after year
By one and all
Friends neighbours
some strangers
Kid invited them all
Crazy and excited
was his birthday afterall
What work in the world
that you could not even call
Unwillingly candles blown
as darkness made its way
The wait’s still not over
as I end today

Some marked papers
we used to call achievement
They used to tell
I will win life
I taught that joy
bounds
it never knew
Looking at the time so slow
yes it had been clocked
Waiting for him again
to let them out
from where feelings flocked
I checked once
I checked twice
Eyes could see
the empty way
The wait’s still not over
as I end today

In my mid years
I look back
I look forth
Things you did
things you did not
What I did
what not
This time we met
to discuss follies
to share reasons
And for me to tell
that I had not forgotten
may be not forgiven
Just one last dream
and you get to stay
A little wait
for first gift for you
I will get to pay
That was the last
as you went away
The wait’s till not over
as I end today

I reached the number
You touched
and signed off
Somehow I managed
not knowing a dad
They managed
not knowing their grandad
But unlike me
they gifted what you never had
As I open another one
on my birthday
No friends no neighbours
no strangers invited
After all these years
not at all crazy and excited
Unwillingly candles blown
as darkness made its way
The wait’s still not over
as I end today

Problem|Fight|Life

I know your fight kid. Yes, you are right. The starting line is’nt the same and it will never be. It will turn me too predictable. The world is full of people capable of seeing deep waters but they choose to be shallow. Deep waters choke them. And, unless it is for them, they won’t risk it for you. So, they have the same yardsticks. You will be judged because they judge themselves. And, to feed themselves, they will draw pleasure from your failures and envy your success. The only way out is to give away everything you have. Believe me, you have a lot more than the ‘everything’ you throw in. Yes, this is your fight. You alone have to face the enemies.

It is your life. You want a lot,do less and expect everything; You want more, do more and expect nothing;You want nothing, do everything and expect everything. Close your eyes and seek answers within you. Yes you know what’s right for you. This mid-life crisis will scare the hell out of you. It will shake you from within. The breaths will be  uncontrollable and you feel choky. Don’t give up and push harder. Amidst this chaos, lies your answer. And, never forget I am there for you. You did’nt like this? May be, you are a doer who won’t follow intuitions and instincts. No problem. No need to worry. Try any of the want-do-expect scenarios I described. I promise that I have given you enough life to experience each of these and keep the one that works for you. Yes, this is GOD promise. Fortune favours the brave. Son, this is your fight. You alone have to fight it. Believe me, you have enough arsenal.

It is your problem. You were able to see through some of my designs of life. You always had that curiosity for everything happening around and in particular, with your life. I may have tried to keep you away but for your curiosity. You don’t make friends saying I send them for you. Many times, I put you into situations and places so that you meet new people, talk to them and have a good time. Yes, people always seem real. They may or may not be. It is a harsh truth. But, don’t disqualify them from your companionship. Just go with the flow. Loneliness is a problem that you nurtured on your own. I am here to support and come to your rescue. Look back and you will find, that each time you touched a point of no-return, I always gave you reasons. Sometimes, I made you bump into them and as usual, you again turned your back with your ifs and buts. Finally, I made the ‘reasons’ bump into you. Keep memories but not people. Trust me there are plenty of them. You know that I know what I know. This is our fight. Universe was lonely without people. So, you came to it’s rescue. Now, you are at fight. The universe will conspire to make sure that you win just as you do your bit to make it more lively and happier with your deeds. You just have to fight.

The Mariana Trench

I guess I love similar things. These same types arouse my curiosity and surprisingly, they are the ones that satisfy it.

I saw a motorbike. It gave me goosebumps. I happened to visit the showroom daily to catch a glimpse. It just soothed me down. Life happened. I changed places. I could not find her showroom. I realised that she belonged to a museum I left far behind. And, that showroom was just a part of it.Somehow, my yearning took me to her again. We rode together. This motorbike was different may be unique. She was fueled by curiosity. She travelled through the earth and its different terrains. She was out to unveil, uncover and figure out what earth was. Earth threw at her slopes, gradients, potholes and plain roads of varying levels. And, she had her own gears; she shifted with blunt honesty. Throw at her different landforms and she retorts back through gears.

The setting sun and the approaching stars made her accelerate and the earth, was even faster. Earth enjoyed the ride. He slowly uncovered more of his landforms and she responded through gears, he never knew she had. At times, either of them used to halt. But, only to offer new, to know and explore.

The earth admired water. As diverse it was, so was the sea. He used to stare at sea. It appeared calm at times and sometimes, those waves told a different story. And, on their way to his ears, some noise overlapped peaceful music they brought. But, land was scared to drown. So, he just tried the waves. The waves touched him and left again. Their touch used to heal him and their absence, made him yearn for more. He doubted the toxic nature and decided to take a plunge deep into the sea. If he was vast, sea was mysterious and deep. But, he trusted his heart and did’nt look back. With time, drowned and came to be known as seabed. Again, he knew he was vast and the sea was deep. But, both of them had a common extreme point. It was ‘The Mariana Trench.’

The land had his own Asia and America; little known Europe and Australia; stranger Antarctica. Sea had her oceans – Indian, Pacific, Arctic, Atlantic and Antarctic. Only she knew which was her own, stranger and little known. Well, he searched himself and she herself, to find the Mariana Trench. The universe knew, it existed. They are still looking and the earth, led from the front.

 

Lifepath and mistakes

I complained of a longer path and blamed my mistakes for it. It was task assigned by HIM; to fall and get up with newly learned lessons and to share them with one and all. Through the long path, HE gave me the opportunity to explore and see life and the world, life lives in. With these experiences as the basis, perhaps HE wanted to think of the other worlds that could exist but be ignored as being alien. Exists the possibility that what those worlds are and what they do could be as real as anything could be and our world, a pure alien.

Also, along the way I found some dear ones. The pain of seeing them losing their smiles n laughter due to mistakes makes me swim deeper and return to the shore, with my mistakes that I share with them; to ensure that happiness does not die; to try to let them use their time not to think and at times, overthink the possibilities and the impossible; to let them enjoy the journey with some gifted basics and some of their own newly discovered concepts. Life is to live and living life means exploring and enjoying as much as one can.

The kid one should not be

This kid used to be calm hiding the storm inside. Not a single mischief. He just day dreamed  mischiefs. He could not afford to make his mom come to school and listen to the complaints. Good books of teachers would be a bonus, he thought.

After a decade, what and whom they remember fondly are either the mischievous kids and their mischiefs or the kids with sugar-coated tongues. This restraint, morality, respect and obedience of the highest level, it went unnoticed and faded away.

This is’nt to grab attention. It’s just for me and may be for people who can relate to this; to remember that next time don’t repeat this in the name of discipline, obedience and good behaviour. Don’t repeat in the name of making the jobs of teachers and others easy. Be this if you want to be. If you want to do something, just think if it will be of some harm to you. If not, forget people and go ahead. After a decade, you will be glad and proud instead of repenting for something which was not a mistake but it did not count.

Status|Background|Compatibility

He wanted a free world. He always believed that nothing is absolute. So is the word free.Sadly, Love isn’t absolute in our country. Otherwise, it is. May be I never came across something that defies the thought.

You just fall. You don’t need to tell yourself to love someone. Sometimes rather mostly, you have to. Some person is chosen for you. You strike poses. Then, you talk and everyday you ask : “Have I fallen yet? If yes, Have I taken longer? If no, isn’t it wrong? I should have fallen by now. I should tell her that I love her. Won’t she think – does this carry any meaning? I mean if I don’t say, then also we know we have to stay together.” The reason to share lives isn’t love but compatibility. Even this belief lies on shaky grounds. This notion of compatibility came from status and background.

Happens that after years, people blame compatibility as the key issue that isn’t helpful to the relationship. And, the relationship was started with the belief that common status and background spoke volumes about compatibility.

HE and HIS troubles

I used to blame HIM for all of my troubles. My logic was that if HE can create our world then there’s nothing HE can’t do. But, I ignored the fact that I went through every problem to see an end to my woes. But, yes this turned out to be a never ending cycle. I decided not to act or react to stimuli in order to avoid making a start. I felt that each start meant the trigger to problems was pressed.

But, still there was a force that stood against my will. It lured me into action. Now in the middle of trouble, once again I decided not to act. Again, the force made me do things at times, unintentionally but always unwillingly.

Does HE like to put us in trouble? If yes, then why does HE come to our rescue every single time? I have no clue that why would HE trouble HIMSELF by rescuing us from situations we say are created by HIM. Seems, HE has HIS own set of troubles and obligations that make HIM do this time and again. What binds HIM? Like some say that problems are HIS way to teach us and make us ready for even more. Why HE has to teach when HE is the saviour himself? Perhaps, only a meet with HIM can help.

I believe we had reasons

I believe we all had reasons to live when we started our journey. With time, reasons grew for some and for some of us, they kept diminishing. Where did we lose them?

Did we lose them to our expectations of results which we can show to the world? To the people who were our ‘reasons’ to live? Well, for the first one, all that can be done is to just put the efforts, enjoy the journey and forget that we worked hard to achieve results. Tell yourself that you did those things because you wanted to do. For the second one, enlist the people who let you down. Alongside their names, write down their dreams. Yes, their ambitions and goals. Set them for yourself and achieve them. Yes, you won’t be living your life. But, you say you have nothing to live for because you lived for the people who left you. This will be a silent message to them. Actually, a silent revenge.

You will smile and burn their heart with the jealousy oil. Inside you will burn too because you lived their life not yours. Again, you were tied to those creatures for a reason to live. Again, you begin your search. Again, you will find reason. Again, you will live someone else’s life. Again, you will murder your life. Again, I will tell you not to mind because you never had a life. You lived revenge and the accompanying glory. You never lived life.

मैं तेरी दुनिया को
जब झूठ पाता हूँ
थोड़ा तुझसे
थोड़ा खुद से
मैं रूठ जाता हूँ
तेरी भेजी लो से
उठ जाता हूँ
चलता हूँ कुछ कदम
फिर झूठ पाता हूँ

तुम भी वही मैं भी वही

मत बहाओ अश्क़
मेरी औक़ात नहीं
तुम्हें फख्र हो मुझपे
ऐसी भी बात नहीं
लाखों लफ्ज़ कह देता हुँ मैं
फिर भी बातें अनकहीं
उन दिनों की तरह
मिल ना फिर से कहीं
वही आसमान
वही शाम
तुम भी वही
मैं भी वही

तेरी आँखों में
अपनी खता देखी है
तोड़ इस ख़ामोशी को
नाराज़ है मुझसे
क्यों नहीं कह देती है
मैं तलाश रहा मौका वह
तुम  सामने हो
मैं मान लू गलती
तुम मुस्का दो
कह दो कि गलती नहीं
वही आसमान
वही शाम
तुम भी वही
मैं भी वही

रास्ते अलग हैं
मंज़िलें दूर कहीं
कलम कागज़ साथ हैं
अनगिनत बातें अनकहीं
शायद तोड़ दू ख़ामोशी
पर वक़्त वह नहीं
वही आसमान
वही शाम
तुम भी वही
मैं भी वही

So, ride again

Ride through the hills and the mountains. Admire each and every landscape. Breathe them in. Think of the memories – both good and the bad. Throw out the bad.

Return to your den. Start afresh. Spend your days. Routine will be a routine again. Some of the many memories you cremated at the top of that mountain, their spirits came flying back after you. So, ride again.

Again, cremate every bad moment. Ride back home. Again, some of the spirits will follow you. Remember, only some of them. Keep riding. Keep living. Someday, every single evil spirit kin to every bad memory you have had; having forgotten you, will be lost in those hills. Lost in the beauty of someone more beautiful – the nature. That’s what you wanted – to be free again.

To be yourself. To surrender again to the one that excites you. To be taken away by the spirits. To ride. To live.

You blamed me of being a butterfly, looking for flowers for nectar love. That day and today, when you are not around, signboards and road : that’s all my eyes see. Now, you question my walk with the head held down. Body language is’nt always true. Emotions are.

Seldom, I did dream of her in pink and peach. Came a day and I saw her draped in peach. I felt a pang in heart. The next day, she was in pink. Again, I felt the pang; strong enough to wake me up from sleep. After waiting for the sun, I just went to her and asked if her wardrobe had some pink. To my joy, she nodded. I whispered I’ll gift you pink. Yes, I will earn the ink for your pink. I’ll race for it. Yes, I’m ignoring thoughts of HIS story for us and that probability theory, I never understood at school.

Yardsticks – love and affection

Love and affection do they have any yardsticks to be measured against? Why at times, distance and no meetings tend to tell that the love is dead. It isn’t a person whose existence is judged by presence. Again, people exist even they are dead for our eyes. Our senses vision, smell, touch, hearing ; teach our brain who in turn, teaches the heart that person doesn’t exist and with that, the affection should die.

We have a brave heart. We are still courageous and correct in denying it because we still feel that affection exists. Where we go wrong is the moment, when we think of this word ‘future’ and ink it with existence or physical presence of a person. Problem is, we know feelings are not meant to extract benefits. They in a way, guide you to know what is beautiful and should be appreciated, helping shape life. We objectify this appreciable beauty and try to own it. Humans aren’t objects and despite understanding this, we can’t accept. Perhaps, we try to save our life which according to us exists with this feeling and to make matters worse, we draw this feeling from a particular object.

Looking for a remedy, humans look around for other objectified beauties and try to draw the same pleasure and peace. Then, rest is a never ending cycle. Instead, we forget the power of this affection that can make us live the beauty and hence, our life in a way we want. Yes, through imagination. Dream your life with your beauty. Do things you wanted to do for her for yourself with her for your life for your death. Live as much as you can, nobody’s stopping. She also can’t- even by stabbing you to death because your soul will relive the moments with her forever.

I am a culprit to the dreams. I gave them life and killed them for that one favourite. May be, it has been my way to avenge the partiality I was subjected to, all through the years I have seen. GOD HIMSELF runs a system that differentiates in a biased manner. ONE who could create and change anything, could have changed, the way the world looks at others. Judgement in name of looks, colour and riches is what defines someone these days. It feels everything is predefined. And, if it is so, what’s the point to exist? Just to seek approval and acceptance of those around. And, those around, aren’t immortal.

Finally, you are here

Finally, you are here! I hold your hand on my way to the university. I want to show every wall. I want to show every signal. I want to tell the birds see this time I’m not walking alone. Don’t you doubt. This will happen in summer. This will happen in fall. This will happen in winter when you don’t expect. This will happen the next spring.

For you, as we walk past every little thing, I will recall and recite to you, when and what went through my mind. I painted you in that shady corner having a moment. I saw you in the lights before you vanished and that white digital human, asking me to cross the road. I held that snow in my bare hands to rub it on to your cheeks, making it warm and melt like a glacier. Yes, you can melt glaciers. Who am I not to be. You seem familiar to that glass window which remembers seeing you in the tear falls. This spot with tar, remembers me walking hungry yet craving not for food but you. Yes, it witnessed you turning a synonym for hunger.

That light, got blind out of the reflection from my smiling teeth as I whispered your name. This bridge, where numerous times I made a halt to see us whizzing past in a swanky, fancy car. No music when the singer is inside the ride. Finally, this crossroad that took me to the campus. It told me, part ways from you and focus on my goal. I did nod sincerely but the thug thoughts knew the reality. All thoughts, sang ambitions before you till, I imagine us in that coffee shop. I vowed not to spend a penny there without you. Here you are, to let me have that first sip not without you. Let’s go inside and be ready for more as the caffeine spins me, to ooze out more about you!

We thought wrongly that our coloring books were taken away. We always had them inside of us. I have completed drawing my life ahead. Yes! I have a coloring book for my life ready. Sketch pens. Markers. Paint brush. No to all. I need you to color.

I was a human. Yes I had emotions. But, I always met machines. I turned to a machine to find humans all around. Each time I learnt from my mistake to change myself. But, seems this will stay as one of the biggest conflicts that I will go through for a while before I choose to be someone who is dear to me. May be I will choose to be a human as it gives me a feeling that I am on the good side. Perhaps, I will stay a machine forever; indifferent to everything. Yet, loyal and dedicated towards work which is what we are here for. HE knows when and where, what HE wants. I know, I have to be loyal and obedient towards THE MASTER.

Place|Nature|Damsel

Each time a new place. The search for nature and beauty always led to a damsel. Adoring and admiring her – a habit by default. But, yes like the Himalayas, no one else but her.

Perhaps, nobody was allowed to reach too close and steal away. Some came near to the heart. The gates to the museum were opened up but permit to take away was not issued. What happened was a lifelong prison term for the damsel. Staying there forever! At times, admiring the red glass walls and then, bringing them down to pieces. Then a walk over the ruins to move to rest in some corner; only to wait for the walls to be reconstructed. But, why?

Yes, you heard your heart say – to admire and bring them down to pieces once again.

Gun for life

Slowly, I turned into a gun hidden under cover that appeared calm and of no harm. I was not proud rather carried a guilt. With time, I allowed myself and many of you around, to scrape off some of this material to uncover the real me.

Guilt? Imagine a dog approaching you with that tail wagging welcome. Never in this world, you would imagine the creature do you any harm. Then, this dog jumps at you to hug but leave you with a bitter, painful, unforgettable scar that shouts. Thereon, for years you sit back asking why were you bitten? Why you suffered? And, still you wonder whom to ask except for that dog who does’nt answer. But, that dog knows to answer. He bites. Only you. Actually, some people like you. You wronged him once and he is a gun for life.

The victory sign

As usual, I did’nt know how to thank for her hard work and dedication. I just stood along staring – partly at the frying pan and partly at her face searching for that frustration I thought existed. Yes, I was a kid. I had a heart. I have it till date. But along the way, I lost words and ways of expression.

I talked my school, subjects and friends. I thought my talks could make the chores less boring. May be, I could fetch a thing or two for her. I knew well that getting good grades was’nt enough to ward off our troubles. She drew joy as she shared some of her own tales from school. She was no longer the strict disciplinarian. Not the teacher many dreaded in dreams and real. She was my mother. Forgetting the woes of shelter, money and dreams; it was a conversation that asked for more fuel. It was warmer with each moment.

Then, that usual inkling during my happy moments. And, she turned to me with two of her fingers in the air. It seemed a victory sign. But, each finger wore a sparkling crown with an answer overhead raising further questions. Questions, silent to the ear but loud enough to tremble the heart.

“Choose a finger.”
“Okay. But, for what?””Will I be able to land up a job with the government?”
“Does this work? I mean if I choose a finger and if it’s a yes, you get the job. Really?”
“Yes. Children are GOD’s voice. They are innocent. What they say is true!”

The burden of all of our dreams was on my shoulders. I could watch each of our dreams come true with that job. I could imagine myself on a comfortable sofa parked in a big lobby of our home. I could see them talk and laugh together. No landlords and fellow tenants. Just the three of us. That summed up life for me and it looked so easy. I felt the heart beat as I made a choice.

Yes! we made it. Her smile and that caress on my head told me the story. I felt like  a winner. As if, I made someone proud. Bigger thing, she drew confidence from this. Perhaps, this helped when prayers failed. Faith in HIM teaches people new ways to believe in dreams.That night, I went to sleep all smiles. Dreaming our idea of life come true.

This night, I go to sleep stealing my bit of credit for the victory. The two of us did see my idea of life come true. As they say, change is the law of life. My idea is no longer the same. Yes, I am on a journey again. I can again see that victor sign in front of my eyes. But, this time I see no questions. I just see a ‘yes’.

The Big world

Why do we have a big world? Why our world is endless if we overlook the globe on our desktop? Before I could question further, somebody answered – thank your infinite wishes, dreams and aspirations. Perhaps, that’s the reason that in the recent centuries world saw birth of travelers and explorers who discovered new lands. Guess, they were GOD sent. But then, each one of us is. They had HIS hand placed over their head. Well, each one of us has HIS blessings. Then, may be the whole world recognised their life purpose. You don’t recognise the purpose of your life. May be, you do but forget. If you don’t, your purpose may be too simple if not small yet complex to be understood and recognised.

Then, why did HE create more beings if world is too small to accommodate the dreams we dream. May be, to hide the truth behind HIS existence as everyone will be busy with their own dreams than to know about dreams of every single human being and again to think that why we dream and where the dreams come from? Hope heavens didn’t implant them. If yes, was this done before we were born ? If yes, why were they implanted? To give us a purpose to live for. What purpose does our purpose serve for the heavens. After all, they can do everything in this universe. May be, these are petty things to be done by them. Again, why these petty things need be done? Enjoy the forever loop..

A would be dad’s letter

Long before you see this world, I’m writing this to you even before I meet your mom. Make your choices wisely. You not gonna learn anything from me because I did’nt learn anything from your grand dad. I made mistakes, learnt and tried to correct them. Pray for your granny to live. I don’t want you to see this world without granny. You know you won’t see grand dad ever. Never mind, I will try to make up for the absence though I fear being a dad because I don’t know what a dad has to do. I hope before your time, I learn lessons else I promise that I won’t see you. I want to make sure that unlike me, you aren’t born in a super difficult world. I’m trying to reduce complexity in your life and if that happens it would be the greatest joy of my life. Right now, I’m through a real rough patch of my life. I have put everything at stake to be in this alien land. Pray if you can because I don’t pray now. I just believe accepting what HE wants as I think it’s useless to expect HIM to change mind on my request. May be HE pays heed to you. Also, choose your mom first. I’ll readily accept her.

Hope to see you. I’ll try to give it all to promise you a funfilled life else we don’t meet.

The toy world

He grew up in those streets with small old homes rented to people trying to meet ends and keeping dreams alive plus teaching kids to dream their dreams. The only thing he had was everything he had. Hence, obsessive and possessive.Toys just two or three in number yet world to him. He was loyal to his world. Won’t go out seeking anything new. Toys would walk upto him and he would embrace them with all of his affection. Toys never grew up but they grew heart with him. They were always there for him. Only to be hit and stolen by the colony kids or time and last, broken by his anger or mistakes.

Grew up and toys were still there. This time, he found love in dolls who had grown up to have their hearts dead.

Once again, time after time, the only doll he loved used to be stolen by show off kids. If not, he lost his doll to his choices motivated by revenge, ambition and brutal honesty. He lost every toy he fell for only to find himself lost in a whirlwind of questions and few answers which added questions back to the wind.

Punishment has often been used as a tool to teach discipline.
So, if someday you feel like being punished, just tell yourself that THE TEACHER is trying to make you mend ways to churn out a better version of who you are.

Away the time flew

Butterflies made us run
Life was giggles and fun
I hated yet loved
To be slapped by you
I felt loved
I felt loveable
I loved the you
Never realised
Away the time flew
So did you
I tried to find in every eye
But for years
I missed you
I wish I could catch you
I wish I flew

Life seemed easy
I was fooled
It took some turns
Yes fate ruled
Smile for a smile
It was true
Smile could be magic
I never knew
It made my day
Could sweep away
Wanted to be the reason
To make it stay
Name fame standard
Eligibility price
could not pay for you
Never realised
Away the time flew
So did you
I tried to find in every eye
But for years
I missed you
I wish I could catch you
I wish I flew

I bled days back
Had to ignore
Left my comforts
Out to explore
Brick walls
Mortar hearts
You seemed sea shore
Beauty simplicity galore
Some lessons I knew
I lost many things
Vengeance asked
Who are you
Peace in the anarchy
Just heart knew
Never realised
Away the time flew
So did me
But not you
I tried to find in every eye
But for years
I missed you
wish I could catch you
wish backwards I flew

I took a vow to change
Join hands with world
To shoot long range
Appreciate what they do
Forgetting my ways
Adopt what they do
Loved my thing
Entered the you
I left the world
Again to create
What ended roller coaster
Starting a  fairytale
Society stigma
Parental love enigma
Took you on a flight
Only to crash land
Reasons Acceptable
Rejections I can stand
To feel the same
Not in my hand
To fake and lie
I never knew
Never Realised
Away the time flew
So did me
But not you
I tried to find in every eye
But for years
I missed you
wish I could catch you
wish backwards I flew

Create and recreate

You took me away from the world to create one of our own.

We did create one .

I feel rather I trust my creativity that there was room enough to create more. But, yes I needed time to create and realise the ideas. Meanwhile, your creators suggested a planet with lesser room but more creations. I guess you were happy and content having more with you and less to do. I don’t want to call it being practical. I wish I could call it as a step out of laziness. But, I know that you were not lazy. So, to balance things I will cast you as a stereotype.

Talking about myself, I always and will always be on the move, exploring  and creating will settle down a while only to find room to create or may be to recreate whatever is already there.

For me, there is no returning back because somewhere I have in me the peasant blood. And, in my land farmers burn off the crops and recreate. We toil hard every day and grow with every moment. And, when the time comes, we find a new land to create. Yes, we were not taught to stop.

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On my way to this edge

My friend
when I see you
I meet myself
self that I lost
on my way to this edge
I’m standing at

My friend
Each time I see you
I visit myself
Every visit brings joy
good to know
you are awesome
someone I used to be
I would have been ultimate
but for the
self that I lost
on my way to this edge
I’m standing at

My friend
when I leave you
I leave myself
I wish
the newborn hope
to see you again
is blessed to be real
Happiness is always
in my smile
to know I am alive
in someone
my virtual grave
I visit often
Pinch is there
I feel each time
as I take your leave
to see off my favorite
to wave off
self that I lost
on my way to this edge
I’m standing at

Love Is..

Love is
stealing moments
to watch you
to play
hide and seek of eye

Love is
to see you smile
to see you giggle
to solve everyday
your eyes give me riddle

Love is
to cry for your pain
to yearn for moments
to dream of seeing you again

Love is
to copycat what you do
to memorise expressions
to play them on repeat
to tell that you’re around
to let the brain
call heart a cheat

Love is
to miss you
meet in the dreams
spend time with you
to wake up
think of you
smile and
miss you again

Hell is here

With each passing day I’m nearing you. Approaching my day of judgement. Yes, I am eagerly waiting . Surprised??

Well, YOU should not be. After all, YOU created a hell we named earth : imperfect and artificial. How can I forget the word fake! Animals are called humans and the humans tagged as beasts confined to a so called wild world – The Jungle! Wonder, who was the dumbass who forgot about his own thirsty world full of vampires. To add to this, people who are vampires themselves turn to the cinema to witness vampires.

Each birthday makes me an year older. Wish it made me two. But, always a joyful reminder of the fact that I have spent one more year of prison.

I’m pretty sure that I came from heaven what these fuckers call the other world – afterlife. Worried about their fate after death; equally scared of thinking about their plight in hell. Assholes they are to forget that they are here to suffer what they think is total fun. Staying in hell already and worried about hell. A comedy of sorts!

Then

Some people tell you that you are wrong. You are a culprit. They make you feel that you don’t belong to this place. You are boycotted. You are alone. You are the person who tells you that you are bad. You are the same who refuses to accept it as a fact. You are again the only one to authenticate what you think about yourself.

Then, you make this talk thing a way to judge yourself. People talk to you. You tell you are good. People ignore you. You accept you are bad.

Then, you try to avoid the world. You try to be you and with you. The more you try, harder it becomes.

Then,You enter into lives of some people. You Sometimes succeed. At times you don’t make it. You stop this practice.

Then,Some people come in your life. They are willing to listen. They involve you in things they talk and do. They make you feel a part of their life. An atomic one. For you it’s a galaxy. You talk to them. You get an answer that you deserve it. And, since they talk to you, you are good.

Then you go back in your life. That same old bunch of people will be with banners saying you are bad.

Then you run away. You are back in present. You declare these people angelic. This becomes a reason that makes them talk to you.
You are bad again.You are alone again.You still look for the answer.

I live

Tired of these to and fro trips from the world to my world. I may have been created to be a gypsy but I want it dead in me know. Rather to be a world, want to live with the world. Follow their ways. Be a part of it. And, foremost, I don’t want to be back in my backyard. I’m trying to forget that I am a home for self. I am no longer. The world is my playground. It’s my home. Nowhere to go. I live. I fall. I live. I perish.

I had to bleed

Well you chose to test This way

Gave the sword wound

May be you had a doubt

But I had to bleed

Bleed forever

At the very first 

chant of your name

At the very first

Thought of the blame

At the very first

Thought of the shame

And you thought 

that thought

You will return to zip

What you brought

Then it was there

A friend turned foe

May be foe to friend

That HE knows

You got it right

Was the air

Through your zip

Each time we talked

I felt the burn

You were there

But gone

For me you could not return

Had never been so stone

Could have neva been so stern

But for that burn

You will

EverydayOut in the dark 

You will look for questions

You will find them

You will look for answers

You will find ways

You will give a hard fuck as if it was the last one you will ever have

You will stop somewhere

You will look for a question

You will find a why?

You will look for an answer 

You will answer it was coz I love you

You will answer it was coz I loved you

You will look for a question

You will find is it was or is?

You will look for an answer

You will answer that you don’t want to answer now

You will look for a statement

You will say ditch the bitch.

You will say ditch the itch.

You will press the sleep switch.

Seems We Were

Seems we were enemies
that I surrendered
And you sent me here
I fought again
may be for more years
than the last battle

Seems we are enemies
I leave it on you again
Not knowing
what you gonna do
Not knowing
It will be good
It will be bad
coz it’s you
who’s gonna write
my plight
I’m just gonna smile
do what you want me to
in the meanwhile

Can’t say
seems we will be enemies
Can’t say
seems we will be pals
If I have more years
If I have more pen
If I have more ink
I will tell
I will write
I will complete
Seems we were..

My side

I keep my head down sometimes I turn it away. Yes, I bring down the shutter before my eye and at times, I turn away the eye itself. I thank my brain and admit that everything is done intentionally but not to demean, insult or ignore you. I kind of admire you and somewhat, you meet my not so specific criteria of beauty. At times, I even think of life with you as as a companion and it feels peaceful and complete. But, this was my end.
I don’t know dreams, aspirations and expectations at your end. In my life, I have never underestimated people. I may have judged them, looked upon them in an unjust way and in a case or two, written them off. But, I never acted as GOD to decide what and how much they deserve. I have always felt that each one of us humans, deserves the best. I don’t consider the evil ones as humans. So, coming back to you, who is more than a human to me! I am not a perfect person and you can easily find this superficially without having to plunge deep within me. I don’t know about others and somewhere I hate to criticise them because I know how hard I try to improve and crawl closer to the line of perfection. Supposedly, each one of us makes these efforts and it’s a reason that by default, every human has earned a respect for himself in my heart.
Knowing the imperfect me, I will not make you settle down for something short of the best. I leave it on you to decide if you could live with the shortcomings embrace the imperfect being you see. As for me, I try to keep myself away from you. But, the day you choose to be my companion, we will share the course of life.

ਅੱਜ ਇੱਕ ਗਲ ਤੁਰੀ ਸੀ
ਜੋ ਜਜਬਾਤ ਨਾਲ ਜੁੜੀ ਸੀ
ਦੇ ਔਕਾਤ ਦਾ ਹਵਾਲਾ
ਕੋਈ ਛਡ ਪਿਛੇ ਮੁੜੀ ਸੀ

ਬੀਤ ਗਏ ਦਿਨ
ਲੰਘ ਗਏ ਮਹੀਨੇ ਸਾਲ
ਕੁਛ ਵਕ਼ਤ ਦੇ ਯਾਰਾਂ ਕੋਲੋ
ਪੁਛ ਲਯੀਦਾ ਤੇਰਾ ਹਾਲ

ਰਿਹ ਗਯਾ ਇੱਕ ਸਵਾਲ..

Feelings

Happiness is
Catching your glimpse
every morning
when the world you eclipse

Delight is
Watching you
in you that kid alive
Wish to pamper
making reason to thrive

Excitement is
you walking to me
brushing past
to walk backwards facing me

Thrill is
stealing a moment
escaping your eyes on patrol
try harder not to repeat
but I’m not in control

Mischief is
recording your voice
madly replaying
leaving the head
with no choice

Yearning is
earning time for you
praying for clock
to turn a statue

Peace is
finding you grab a place
You will be around
soul finds solace

Shiver is
what you give
when your eyes
got mine cuffed
heart rock and rolled
leaving me huffed

Sadness is
realising you will be
out of sight
Will be you
maybe me
catching a flight

The Perfect You

You are one of those few people who make me feel imperfect. The sweetness and mischief I see in your eyes is something I hear in your voice. Slowly with time, I got to know that you are good at heart. A perfect synchronisation!

You may try to lie but there is an ingredient in each of your expressions that enshrines truth. Smile and laugh at small things but not people. When small things make you laugh, it amplifies the worth of little good things I see around. And, when people earn you laughter, it saddens me. I keep on thinking about the imperfections we ordinary people carry with us and they seem more serious to me than they actually are. Unfortunately, there’s no remedy. I wish each human had the choice to choose a face before embarking on this journey called life. A look to woo their dream. But then, if no gem looked ordinary, there would have been no dream girls and guys. Talking to you, makes me feel good about myself. For you, of course, I seek blessings even though I don’t believe in prayers anymore. Be an apostle of joy and laughter. People demanding more of your time and company, will make it difficult. Let it be the cost good people pay for earning peace and blessings.

At times, I catch a glimpse of child in you. Like me, your childhood was tough. May be, it made you grow up early, leaving that child in coma: unused and unattended. It shows up now and then. Perfectly normal!
Thank you for bringing some light into some of my dark days. Really appreciated.

Let’s Make It Clear

Reasons to live
Searching them
Creating them
Embracing them
Discarding ’em
Letz make it clear
If it has to be YOU
If it has to be me

Giving an identity
Wrong people
Wanted ones
Unwanted ones
The useless
The stars
Let’s make it clear
If it has to be YOU
If it has to be me

Being on toes
Punish the guilt
Save dreams
Save seasons
Keep the word
Keep the name
Let’s make it clear
If it has to be YOU
If it has to be me

That’s How I Am

I’m glad when you win
For I know the pain
For I know the taste
that identifies a loss

I have been at the edges
Eyes looking for a helping hand
They could see many
But all hidden
Some beneath pockets
Some behind the back
Appreciate those who dared to lend a hand
But THEY did’nt care

So for your every loss
I know the suffering
I feel the pain
Being helpless and loser
I make wishes for you
I wish I could even pray
may be HE answers those with belief
Trust Me
That’s how I am

It Will Never Be The Same : A Question Or Statement ?

You decided to leave and let go the strings that bear my colours. They had started to pinch and harm you because to you, there were some strings were even more important. I was like the woolen thread cut off by those ‘synthetic’ strings you loved. Yes, you left and hugged them only to miss the comfort and warmth of ‘wool’.

You came back!

It may be for you, a matter of days but it was seasons for the wool. Then, you complained it did’nt feel the way it used to before- I lost the warmth. You and me, all the same but yes, it won’t feel like before till you stay and prove: old is gold!!

May be it’s too late..

Why Worship HIM

We see GOD as our creator and destroyer THE SUPREME. We say HE rules over us and is looking into our each and every activity. Because HE begot us, we chant hymns and say prayers in HIS name. Some love and praise HIM for the blessings they received and the faith they have that says even the wrong is for their good; Some love HIM or maybe not but praise HIM as they want their prayers to be answered; Some don’t love HIM but still they praise HIM because they fear that HE may do wrong to them if they don’t worship; Some don’t love HIM rather hate and curse HIM for the life HE gave to them, full of pain and unanswered questions but still they pray to tell HIM that they are so grounded and helpless that still worship HIM  accepting HIS supremacy.

Worshiping out of love and faith is genuine, reasonable and acceptable. But praising HIM without loving HIM rather out of own selfishness is acting like a hypocrite. We should remember HE knows our hearts because HE put the soul in us which drives the heart. We can’t fool HIM. Fearing HIM could be right but only to some extent and that also when it helps us refrain from vices. Singing praises in HIS name just because you fear that HE may do wrong to you is the worst of all. It is cheating at its greatest low. If one feels this way, one should first try to count the blessings on oneself. In case of disappointment, should stop worshiping but try to know HIM through scriptures and other sources. Knowing HIM and HIS ways , may fetch respect and love for HIM in your heart, making you embark on a new journey leading to HIM- the ultimate goal of human life.

Caress

I caressed you
putting back your hair
Gently breathed into you
the gentle warm air
I uttered no word
feeling it voiced my love and care
As if you heard my soul
you opened those eyes
Giving me a stare
Your love poured out
And beamed out your happiness
Pulling me closer
closing those windows again
You expressed your readiness
ready to let me tell the tale
that each time I try
to come up with every detail
but the words fail

This time i took a vow
no words but my breath
What’s inside
will leave on you to know
Before I could say more
your breaths tossed me
up and down like the waves
Your racing heart
sounded a storm start

Feeling it was you
I gave it my ear
I listened and listened
getting closer to your heart
until I felt the veil
Existed a desire
to go beyond the mask
Confused me called it lust
did’nt want to break your trust
I heard you were
A bit hesitant
Somewhat confused
You felt slight mistrust
Owing to an unknown fear

Soon the storm subsided
There was peace again
What was a noise
Now sounded music again

I caressed you once more
The shadow of my leafy eyes
it made you
open the windows
With a blink
and a nod of head
I told this shade is yours
as long as I have life
Open the windows to the heart
Shedding the fear of heat
as I am here
with love and care I’ll treat

 

The Replica Souls

When we souls
came down to the earth
You should have told me
what you wanted me to be
as I had decades enough
and though in instalments
we were bound to meet
With you I met
only to know
That for wrong crops
I did plough

It was all about the journey
all about being together
For we ought to find ourselves
in each other
being the mirror images
the replica souls
caged in skin vessels

Don’t want to be the tree
that sees you as the leaves
coming and leaving with seasons
Want to be the flame
that dies off with the fuel
Wind could eliminate me
but the fuel you stays
You burn for me
I burn for you
the evil wind plays

I did’nt want to lose you then
I don’t want to lose you now
There’s a plan in me
that can make you allow
To be mine forever
but won’t tell you how
‘coz I wish you live through
with ease without sorrow
We are bound to meet again
when we end this journey
May be in ages
may be tomorrow

 

 

True It Is

True it is
that for someone
when you fall
Their thought can bring a smile
Just call them by heart
They will be with you
without taking a while
No song connects as much
as those words in their voice
Lots to listen to
but you don’t want a choice

True it is
that for someone
when you fall
Start searching them in those lines
which were nothing
more than marks on palm
you never believed in
Start listening to stars
who you only looked at
Morals ethics what are they all
nothing deeper beats this fall

True it is
that for someone
when you fall
You act a beggar
turn a warrior
You act a devotee
turn a servant
You act a parent
turn a friend
They act yours
you turn theirs
True it is
When someone you love
and that someone loves someone
You can be jealous
you can curse
You can be mean
But there’s nothing you can do
than just shout and kneel

True it is
somewhere I read
that when it breaks
There’s no cracking sound
no cracks either
Just the glass pieces
that melt and flow down
Inside you burn
Outside you fume
You resolve not to
but given a chance
you dance to their tune

 

 

Just Express

Telling someone that you love them is being selfish and selfless: both at the same time.Selfish because you feel light at heart and head.Selfless because you tell them that they are loveable and cared for.So, never shy away from expressing this divine feeling!
Your ego, may be self respect and that feeling of waiting for the right time motivated by that yearning for an answer,may prevent you from the deed. But, remember, we are sure about this life only. We may talk about doing this and that in the next life but who knows whether this belief holds true or not. Just imagine that you are dead and you realise you won’t be living again: not even once.I am pretty sure that time there would be no count of the regrets you will have from your life. You will think that was just about expressing: a matter of few words, as simple as abcd,that’s it!

The Polythene Bag

The clock had struck twelve and as usual, he was being scolded by mom for being up at midnight.She tried to put him to sleep in their single rented room by switching off that light humming like a bee. Something was not letting him sleep. His movements, restlessness and that act of looking for the door to open with the eyes of a thief; all of them spoke for him. In a low and hesitant voice, he asked,” Mom, when will dad return from the party?”
“Dear,you know that parties run late. Go to sleep as you have school tomorrow.”

There were bigger questions still unanswered but none bothered to change the conversation to an argument. It was twenty minutes past twelve. Except that fan, all noises and movements dead.Total silence. The kid slowly whispered ,” I know dad will come in a while.He will keep his promise.” She did’nt say anything just caressed his forehead and went out into the corridor.After a while, she peeped through a hole in that door only to find her little one, gazing at the fan.

She went inside.

“Your dad just called the landlord uncle to inform that he will come tomorrow morning. Did’nt you hear the footsteps? Your aunty specially came downstairs to tell me. She knew that you would be waiting for him.So, now….”

“I…I…ammm…bacckk!”

Her words were lost in the air.Her husband was drunk again. The kid jumped out of his bed to welcome his father with complaints and questions.He shouted and punched his dad.

“You told me that you would be on time. You promised I won’t drink again.But, you did that all again!”

Meanwhile, she made her shaky husband sit on a chair and served that lime water she had already prepared. She snatched a polythene bag from him, looked into it and walked away into the kitchen.The talk continued..

“I am sorry dear! My friends requested..me…to give them company…and I taught you naa…”

“…that we don’t say no to friends. I know dad.”

“But, see I kept my promise..Did’nt you check the poly bag..??

“Dad! you brought ice cream for me? Vanilla? I told you I hate strawberry.”

“Yes dear..where’s the bag darling??”

“Mom…Mom…give me the ice cream..I will go to sleep then.”

He went to the kitchen like a rocket. She was standing with the refrigerator at her back, as if, she was trying to hide something.Unable to notice those moist eyes, he demanded for it again.

“Baby,I am so sorry! You can’t have it now. It has melted.I have put it in the freezer, so that you can have it in the morning. And, I will not make you drink that milk tomorrow..only tomorrow..okay..So, go to sleep now”

The Sun being out, it was a new day again.She picked up her bicycle: perhaps, the only thing that gave her wings! And, rushed to the nearby shop. With each pedal she pedalled, her heart pumped harder and the intensity of prayers increased. She knew it well that what a heartbreak meant! It is something which is’nt experienced exclusively in love.The closed shutter gave her a sarcastic smile as if it asked her:

“Babe! where in this pea sized town, can you find an ice cream cup at 6 O’clock in the morning?”

She pedalled back home, thinking of answers to her child’s questions.As she thought of waking him up, she saw him humming and brushing his teeth as if it were a hobby to him.

“Good Morning Mom!”, he greeted as he threw some foam out.

Busy preparing the breakfast, she could’nt stop looking at the refrigerator. How could she tell her little one that the polythene bag had no ice cream but remains of what his dad…

How bad it was?Her husband though drunk, still remembered that he had to bring ice cream for his kid.Yes, he loved him.He committed those mistakes again and again, but still she could’nt doubt his love for the kid.This time someone at the party, may have played this prank with this drunkard and handed over that polythene bag.Yes, society wants fun and it can be, rather it has to be, at the cost of others because it’s cool! She could imagine her man asking to pack a scoop or two for his kid..and….this..

“Mom, where’s the ice cream.Come on,serve it fast as I am getting late.”

She goes down on her knees.

“Son, I will bring an ice cream brick for you, that too vanilla! Yesterday, after you slept, there was a power cut. So, whole of it flowed down into the fridge. I cleaned it up just now.And, it was strawberry not vanilla.So, you would’nt have bothered to even look at it.”

“No..No..I don’t want any ice cream now. Is the fridge working? I hope that dirty strawberry did’nt turn it into a defective one.”

“The fridge is working fine baby! And when both of us return, we have the ice cream together! Now, dear drink that milk that I’ve put in your favourite glass.”

“All right! and mom, someday we will have our own big house and there will be no power cut as we will own a generator too! and  a big big car!”

She smiled as he hurriedly drank the milk and rushed to the bus stop.He was gone now. She wondered for how long her child will console himself dreaming of good days. Lost in thoughts,she picked up that polythene bag and went out to dump it.It still smelled of puke…

The Lame And Blind Duo

The two of us
are like the blind and the lame
I know where
I want the life to go
before that turn comes

I have my limbs cut
by the hatred sword
by the seclusion axe
However I want to go places
Away from those with
dirty souls but loveable faces
I found you as my wheel
You carry me on shoulders
of love and care
I’ve found a renewed focus
so there’s no one to look for

Well,for you,
I am the eyes
as you are the blind
Your people and feelings for them
make you lose vision
Fear of the unknown
turns things to dark
With my words
With my support
With my care
And that trust you have
we’ll go miles till that turn
when you throw me down
to leave me on my own
It will be a fall indeed
not the first one though
As always a fall
to make me stand

Someday If You Miss Me

Like the air
Will breeze past you
Someday if you miss me
You will blame
I am not there
Forgetting I used to be around
It was you who ignored
It was you who put to silent
Someone whose love could sound

Like the sun
Will move away and set
Someday if you miss me
You will say I changed colours
You will say I turned cold
Forgetting I used to smile upon you
With that warmth of love
Itchy enough to irritate you

Like the rain
Will die out in a while
Someday if you miss me
You will say being high up the skies
I have turned proud
Forgetting I used to jump so down
Just to be near
Just to feel you
To make you lose pains
Put happiness back in your reins

Like the bird
Will not come back some evening
Someday if you miss me
You will say I was a cheat
For the matter of bread
I showed my real teeth
Forgetting you used to be the reason
For my flight
Every evening that smile on u
Brought to me respite

The Mystery Clocks

It was midnight
As I closed those eyes
I saw a new world
A mysterious place
It was just a wall
I heard it was mine
For each one dear
It had a clock
Mercilessly ticking time
Killing moments
We could have had

Now that human mind
Shrewd and clever
It came into play
With all my energy
I tried to push
The time arms
Infinitely back
Tried it again
For some random ones
Only to bleed my hands
And Hurt my back
I put that first one
Back to reset
Realised this was a prayer
A wish I made
Could only be for someone
A single chosen one

All of a sudden
I read those names
Scribbled under each
One was for her
She brought me to life
Saw my breaths start
Wants to have me
Till her last
One was meant for her
My heart she did rob
Always on mind
I call her heartthrob
A hundred for them
Who stood by my side
Reminded I meant something
A part of their world
My life is an open book thing
From them Nothing I hide

Now I knew
To push back time
Only a wish to make
A single chance
Was all I had
Whom to chose
Whom to leave
To each one I belong
It’s not about good and better
For each string is strong
Angry and nervous
I went mad
Looking for a way
Those bleeding hands
They told me
To let go the red
That was left inside
Before you breathe your last
Let each one dear know
That for him
That for her
The arms of the time
You tried to slide

Before the whistle for me
I left those red prints
On each one
I could hear the clocks shout
Telling me to stay
Slowly the voices
started to die
Lying in that pool of blood
I had no senses
Past present future
No need to worry
Now they are just tenses

Now You Long For

He had that dark taint
Like those windows
of the wheels you love
Those glasses they told u
He was into some bin
Not happening to you
Fun and frolic
That was all your need
That human inside
Those thoughts
That set him aside
That care for which
He did plead
You even ignored it
The heart that bleed

He learnt a lesson
Bitter than anything could be
That laugh you had
He used it to his gain
You were busy swapping men
He turned a million pages
Till he found them plain
His life was one colour
It was sweat blood
made the money flow
Like the flash flood

He looks upon you now
As an object of pleasure
A piece of cloth
To wear and throw away
A toy to play
Be bored and change it
You have a problem now
With the way he behaves
The way he thinks and acts
Years back you hurt the human inside
You look for now
Better check your facts.

Now you long for his love
And He longs for money
Now you long for his care
And He longs for fun
Now you long for loyal him
And He longs for lust
Days would have been different
If In his eyes
Had you shown trust

I Want You To Stay

You are the childhood sweetie
Who was told not to play
For I was no longer a kid
Perhaps a beast considered stray
Your mom once admired
Her love she used to spray
As I found you now
I just want you to stay

You are my lost dad
Who at times loved
At times was shaded grey
Who at times broke promises
At times broke my heart
A big thanks from me
I learnt to fall and again make a start
Sometimes the same path
Sometimes a new way
As I found you now
I just want you to stay

You are that sis
Whom once in a while I miss
She who knew I need love
Who realised I need care
Someone who told I’m loveable
Like the pages turned
Gradually moved away
As I found you now
Just want you to stay

You are the brother
Who defined a friend
Who defined a companion
Was a way of life
A free bird
Till those laws of the land
They had him trapped
Away from all
Underworld he has to stay
As I found you now
I just want you to stay

You are the mirror me
A replica I should say
Each time you do good
Every time you do bad
Sometimes you smile
At times you are sad
No matter what
Still believe life’s meant to play
A pleasure to watch self
Being so mouldable as the clay
As I found you now
I just want you to stay

 

 

The Dog

I am the dog that visits your doorstep each day with a hope: the only thing that has kept me alive but only to return unanswered. The loyal me does not lose the faith in you and I continue with the same everyday. I sing in your praise. At times I do feel that what I say may be from the heart but is not unquestioned by mind. As the prayers move out from the heart this mind blasts them with questions. Then heart feels that there’s no point in continuing for what is questionable is not pure: is’nt chaste: is’nt the truth! Then again that slight voice from inside tells you just continue to mark yourself present at the DOORSTEP. This is a message to HIM that I m grounded, you ignore me, you don’t listen but still I come to see you; Yes I accept your supremacy over me no matter you prove it by being rude to me. I will continue with the same.

What You Are

The Sun shining bright 
With its full light
Heavy and wet they were
The clothes
When I put them to dry
As the Moon drew close
Away from the wire
They tried to fly
But what cloth you are 
You draped me even tight
As if you telling me
Unlike the Sun 
I won’t lose your sight

Perched on my bike
I always enjoy 
that thump
With every mile 
Adrenaline it does pump
Nothing beats this feel
All come after
My commitments
I make them kneel
To make it last long
I full it up
The tank of steel
Fuel does not last long
Takes me back
To where I belong
But what fuel you are
I just give you myself
my tank of time
That I keep large
At times trim
You never leave empty
Stay full upto brim
Infinite and vast
Pray you everlast

Don’t You Go

Don’t you go away

Like the sea wave

I am the beach sand

Moulded to castle of dreams

Watered by you

 

Don’t you say

that waves come and go

Leading through highs and low

I know that as a fact

But you better know

The truth I’m telling you

Each wave that leaves

Gets followed by another

A storm by nature

Bringing down the castle

That some wave did nurture

 

I am tired of

The castles falling down

Sick of making starts

Not to forget

The way they saw an end

 

Let this be

The final start

Leading to

A final end

Let castle grow

To be marked as old

To be remembered

To stay forever gold

 

 

 

My Diary: The Virtual Grave

I rate the good and bad experiences almost equally. After some days, may be months and sometimes even years of experiencing them, I return to them at a time when they are called as memories by people. They take me back to my past: the days I have seen and the amazing part being that they make me feel the same. The intensity of the pain stays the same and that happiness- makes me feel even lighter than would have felt then. That very moment, I pen down such memories and thoughts. Through my writings, I time travel at my will to those moments and people gone long before. Mine words, pen and this diary has kept them alive for me. All it takes is a turning of few pages and I am in the world of my own (you may call it virtual: It does’nt matter ) with people of my choice. Immortal, they lie in my diary- their virtual grave.

I Met The Kid In You

I met a kid in your voice: lovely and sweet. Surprisingly, I could see it when you spoke: no use of technology! The eyes and not to forget the voice, they told some prank is on its way. Even before I could figure it out, came a retort and that naughty laugh sprinkled with flakes of shyness. It was the typical no associated with a child- the trademark! There was that quick yet natural swap of feelings and mood that I felt.
From that naughtiness to care and concern; from that sincere affirmative yes to that sudden higher pitched why; from that slight concealment of little things to the transparency leading to a single minute detail; from that being excited to that being bored state conveyed by your deep sigh that told me to end. I am quite sure that I missed out a few them: ‘swaps’ I called. A big thank you for taking me on a trip to childhood and for reminding me how sweet and wonderful we were: me and my childhood.

The NO MATTER WHAT Support

Not at times rather always, we make sure to stand for our dear ones ignoring the question of being right or wrong. I am also in favour of this blind faith that the person dear to you can’t be wrong. But repeating this ‘no matter what’ support act will be injurious not only for the other side but also for both of you. You are preventing your loved one from improving and learning from mistakes. Apart from that, you are inviting the other side to turn hostile forever. I have experienced being the other side quite often for the same group of people who stood for someone who was wrong. Each morning I wake up not to say prayer but to curse them . Throughout the day till my last conscious breath, their wrongdoings don’t leave me. And honestly, I am heard by the Lord. Going by how the lives of such people took turns, I am to be blamed. They may go through this and perhaps learn a lesson to teach their would be young ones that they should have learnt long before ruining my life. But yes, I am pretty sure that KARMA never spares and sprinkled with curses it is as deadly as it can be.

We Can’t Be Friends

I have my own philosophy and thoughts on various things. Like in case of friendship. Friendship, I maintain, has no prerequisites. Talking about things unconditional, I rate it next to Love. Love carries just a slight edge over it. We live in a society where marriage turns a person’s life upside down. Our priorities change and so do our choices. We get closer to new people and equally further from people who become a past now.

Unfortunately, on gals it carries a greater impact. Their friends do earn a brick bat when it comes to taking out time for them. I worship time and strings. If I take out my time for someone then I mean to have a friend for life. This may reduce the count of my friends but then more than the count what matters are the friends who count. This is a reason that it’s really hard for me to see a friend in girls. So, I maintain a strange relation with them hanging between friendship and formality. Remind you there’s no word like TIME PASS for me because I have lots to do and no time.

Let Me Be

Lemme be the Sun

Will shine over you

Making your cheeks feel

The warmth called love

After every dusk you see

I will bring the dawn

After every heartbreak

Will make you move on

 

Let me be the breath

Will remind you are alive

Take me in

Throw me out

At your will

Each time in you

Feel I will instill

 

Let me be the heart

Will be your music

Through times tough

Paths easy and rough

With your head

I will play bluff

 

Let me the mirror

Will have you in me

Will reflect even more

Than what you are

Beautiful mysterious and afar

 

Let me be your teddy

Will only be yours

Draw me closer

Throw me away

Kiss me

Punch me

May be hug for a while

For you will stay the same

Forever at you I will smile

DECODED: Drink

Wounds they heal when they dry.Scratched again and again they may leave scars but that’s the only way to healing with an escape velocity.This liquor when down the throat licks them, burns them, puts you to flame. But you know that’s how an ointment works! People love this happening time after time, extract feel out of it.But then,medicines have their own side effects they say and our world
has put that injurious to health note on the veil of liquor.

Being Left Out

Time and again there will be people around you who will make you feel being left out. It’s okay! Take it as a reality, feel the agony and shame but not for your lifetime. Pick yourselves up, make amends if needed and put in efforts to rise high up the ladder. At times, the count of such persons may be as low as a dozen. Don’t try to change their minds. Let your impact be felt within their circle. Slowly and gradually, you will realise that you pushed them towards the circle boundary with yourself occupying the centre of the circle!

Success For Isolation

The point is to isolate yourself from the so called crowd. Isolation here does not mean zero interaction or to go into hiding. It refers to be part of world that does not need the crowd. A world that moves on its own- independent and progressive. This may be called the survival technique or the way of life. The thing that matters is that this works. This very thought should drive you to work hard and to make you rise above all but without hatred or jealousy, carrying a feeling of mutual respect for the achievements of one another without forgetting the fact that at some time of their lives, each one had a reason to climb up to the point they are at, right now. One should not forget the numerous sleepless nights spent trying to overcome the fear of uncertainty, trying to relax the mind and make it stop thinking just for that sleep- that isolation from the world! Then waking up the next afternoon with the same fears.

Success does’nt come easy for all. For some chosen ones it comes at its own time: delay they call and after sacrifices uncountable on finger tips. Even at times, at the cost of your loved ones. Never forget those times and also the fact that someone may be going through the same. He is not begging from you, just trying to have his own share of success and space. You carry on with your efforts without any ill feelings towards the others. In any case, you feel being wronged, cling to your own pure path keeping in mind that this perseverance brought you this far.

Daddy’s Girl

That thought of you being mine was a misconception. Your reins are in the hands of some people who are puppets of society. They brought you up right from the first day of your life.Forgetting that you were the one through whom they enjoyed parenting, they burden you up with the feelings of paying them back for what they did for you. All these years you made them smile through your innocence, curious questions and those tears for them when you could not find them around. Having you was their biggest dream but why should you thank them for being their dream? Dreams give a mission, a destination to an individual and an immense satisfaction when fulfilled. A dream infuses new life in an individual may provide a reason to live. One of those big things one can do for someone. So they are the ones who need to be grateful for what you have been to them. Get your wings and fly.

Times Of Rhyme

Going back to the time
For you I used to write the rhyme
I sit back n think
Why the years go sublime

Though I have left the times behind
But it hurts the most
Between words from your eyes
And what you spoke
Intervened your selfish mind
Those laughs n giggles
They Still stay riddles
They pinch me back
Worse than the needles

They may have been to you
A way to kill time
For me they stay as reasons
To count you as mine

Time proved its strength
Now I look back
To find I’ve covered length
What was it all about
I am unanswered till the moment
Perhaps a lesson for life
Maybe HIS way chance to torment

 

 

 

DECODED: Nature And Creativity

Most of the creative people love nature. They are’nt much fond of worldly stuff. Their choice of anything and maybe everything reflects their love for art and originality. Their choice for a travel destination will not be a metropilitan famous for its nightlife. Rather, they would always opt for a place known for its natural beauty and peaceful surroundings. Now here comes the question that what nature has to do with creativity? Anything new always starts from scratch: from an idea. An idea comes either from an inspiration or void. Nature will stay forever, an inspiration- the source to an idea.
Nature comes with basics devoid of worldly stuff. It is about being grounded. Any castle ever built always started from the ground. Nature provides us with that perfect base to construct our own castle using bricks of imagination and cement of feelings.

Respect for Struggle

It has become our habit to make fun of some one’s struggle. When someone’s going through hard times forget help, we are eveready with our comments petrol enough to burn that person both inside and out.
We notice the ways of a person without paying heed to the fact that his acts were meant for a bigger goal. We stay busy spotting flaws in appearance and mannerisms.
If we have got easy lives that does’nt mean we have to mock someone for the life he lives. CREATOR was never ashamed of putting him in that situation, even he was not ashamed of his ways of struggle then who are you? Well, you are no one or may be the scavenger who feeds on the one already dead.

Imagination

Imagination germinates when you have lots of things missing from your life. You create your own world with all the things you wanted to be a part of your life. This puts you in a world which is complete and full of happiness even though it is virtual. After floating in that virtual space for a while you return back to the reality, feeling a void. You start hating where you are and the things that surround. This makes you thirsty for that satisfaction and peace you experienced in your self created world.  So, slowly and gradually, you start diving into your sea of hope and dreams the depth of which is well known. With every dive you make, you inch towards mastering the art and with each passing day, start sailing away from the world. May be a MERMAID: the combination of fact and fantasy, may make you follow her back to the surface. Thereon you start living at the shore- horizon between the world and the sea of thoughts, only to keep swinging between reality and virtuality.

Why

Why Those heaps of words
Told as truth
But a piece of lie
Why That pile of acts
The world it attracts
Just To hide the inner u ?
That I saw in you eyes
That I found in those forehead creases
That I felt in ur sighs

Trust me
I am the same
I differ in not feeling the shame
Once I know you
Through true words from u
I promise i won’t leave
Forget the past
In me you have to believe

Let me be your canvas
Paint me colour
Paint me dark
I won’t protest
I won’t complain
To make a fresh start
Memories need be slain

 

The Dilemma

I know the address
Don’t know to get in
I know there’s a space in there
Don’t know to fill in
I know there’s a treasure deep there
Don’t know to dig in

I know things need be thrown out
Don’t know which ones and how
I know I’m happy alone
Don’t know still look for you along
I know this is an endless road
Don’t know why I’m on

I know I should forget not forgive
Don’t know why I forgive not forget
I know I’m happy being mud
Don’t know Why I long for stone
I know what matters is hidden
Don’t know still faces I trust
I know I remem what I write
Don’t know when I want to forget why I write